My Birthday Wish

I turned 37 on Tuesday.

Here I am with my birthday cake blazoned in fire…wow…that is a lot of candles.

We had a yummy Spanish-style dinner at home and enjoyed our fare from a candle-lit table by the window. While taking in the glorious view of the water and snowy mountains, we spotted Polaris sparkling high above. Steve and I watched the night sky turn the most beautiful shades of blue as Andrew serenaded us with many repetitions of Fur Elise. After a difficult time of lighting all the candles on my cake, I was given a hearty round of “Happy Birthday.” We feasted on chocolate cake and Oreo cookie ice-cream. You can see the remnants of the froasting on Drew’s face.



Steve and Andrew both made me home-made cards and their gift to me was “Creative Memories” digital scrapbooking software. A gift that will make my photo organization and meeting my historian expectations much, much easier.

So now that you read about the sweet stuff…if you’re interested in my heady birthday wish, read on…

Traditionally I love celebrating my birthday, but this one was a tough one for me. I don’t believe it is so much the number as it is the awareness that comes with the age.

Even as I write this I wonder if I shouldn’t just say to you, “Oh, I had a great day…we made cake…look at the pictures….la dee dah.” But I can’t.

I feel like I have grown up a lot in the last two years. Illusions that I have carried with me have faded, true accountability on my part has been magnified and the intricacies of my behavior and thoughts have been under constant personal observation. Open in me is an awareness that is necessary but at times debilitating. I see my weaknesses with glaring clarity and yet evolving through those character defects isn’t as systematic as it once was, or perhaps as unintentionally superficial as it once was.

In my life there has always been a constant desire to “be right.” It and its origin has guided my life. It has kept me on a path, pointing always toward what I believed was good and true and beautiful. I would sacrifice, defy authority and fight for the righteous perspective, feeling driven by a pure purpose.

Now, I sit knowing that being right isn’t the point. While that may sound juvenile or over-simplified, this awareness equals a shift of unrecognizable proportions to me. My identity at the core is now gone. I must somehow identify a new question, a question that can lead me on a higher path of deeper authenticity. My prayers are sincere. I listen, look, wait and work on my end of the deal… but my genuine purpose still evades me.

While in Hoonah I have watched my discipline dwindle. My falsely placed optimism knows no rhetoric. On every level the world around me and in me is steeped in blatant hypocrisy. I can’t say the right thing to make it better and I can’t do the right thing to change it. What is life's purpose if not to deliver the divine to the earthly? And to continue to change for the better? I have no place to put my anxiety, fear or sadness because under close scrutiny everything is ultimately flawed. For the first time in my life…I don’t know what to say or how behave.

At thirty-seven I am young to some and old to others. The next year will bring a new home for us, a new job for me, a new teacher for Drew and a new transition for Steve. The resume and the geography will change. I may lighten my hair, find a great church or run a marathon… but the deeper journey continues for me. It is my birthday wish that my spiritual growth will evolve to a true serenity and peaceful knowing that I am fulfilling God’s purpose.